Do I know what I’m talking about? (Jan 25)
Keep quiet and don’t fiddle with fingers. I won’t be long! Lettuce pray. What nonsense. A Lettuce can’t pray? Just people and pets.
What does prayer look like anyway?
Real prayer warriors (I’m told it’s a fight) have a stage, use big churchy words and a formula. If you want to look good try: Help, Thanks, Wow or Teaspoon (TSP) Thanks, Sorry, Please. Or just PRAY –Pause, Rejoice/Reflect, Ask and Yield…
Church professionals have a prayer library of clever prayers with big words they can use when they don’t know what to say themselves. They are brilliant prayers, just boring when you don’t get them. Like the ones we had to remember and repeat before food or home time. Can children pray properly anyway?
You can find the professional big word prayers online. They have been checked by clever people so it’s OK just to say them. You’ll look good and sound important, so don’t worry about what they mean.
There are many prayers in the bible. There is a really short one by Jabez in the Old Testament. Great if you don’t have much time but need a blessing. You don’t have to feel it or believe it. They are only words.
You have to say something. You can’t just think it! I think. Or do I? Is it me thinking? Who and what is in this thinking? How do I know? I’m a bit confused.
If you can’t find the words just mumble, groan and look thoughtful. If you want to sound like some of the up-front prayer warriors in public, but nothing is coming naturally, I’m told you can just say Star Trek Klingon words backwards and sound great.
Use a quick-fire arrow prayer and God will find you the last parking space. If he’s not too busy. You may not get a space if it’s not your usual prayer time. He only listens at the start and end of the day, unless you are in a church.
You may also need a church prayer badge to identify yourself as approved and safe to pray.
Don’t worry about everyone else and what’s going on during the day. Leave it until bedtime. God knows what’s going on anyway.
If you ask for bigger stuff like healing, and it doesn’t work, that’s your fault because you lack faith. That’s what you tell those suffering and in need. The unwell and unhealed. That’ll teach um.
If it’s too hard and you don’t want to fail, ask someone else to pray for others and the world. Professionals do this most Sundays. I think it’s in their self-defence prayer warrior training manual.
Try to pray for others in a busy doorway at the start and end of the service so it has to be short and it won’t get too serious and awkward for you in front of the others.
There are some great prayers like the Jesus Prayer. A fantastic punchy prayer on many levels.
Modern cool people use mindful prayer these days. Mindfulness is trendy. The Jesus Prayer is great for breath prayer. Speak the first part whilst breathing in very slowly and thoughtfuly. The second part whilst breathing out urgently and desperately.
Breath prayers are very modern, so you may not have heard of them. Maybe the monks found out without Google.
Prayer is all sorted and efficient online. Just use a prayer emoji. People think you really care and are spending time praying for them.
If you get asked a difficult question about the bible and prayer, just say, “Lectio Devina” confidently. They won’t know what it means either, so it stops them asking difficult questions.
I can’t multitask, so reading the bible prayerfully is double Dutch to me.
These days you can sing and dance prayers if there’s a drumbeat and visuals.
It would be amazing to actually meet actors, dancers and pop stars.
Conclusion
Building relationship with the awesome creator and the loving father of all, seems a bit boring at times.
I end up serving created things rather than the creator. Dehumanised by exchanging God for idols. (cf. Romans 1-3)
Have I been getting this Prayer thing right? My relationship with God?
Is there any training or help available without revealing my ignorance. Others seem to ‘get it’ better than me.
And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. (Matthew 6:5-8 NIV)